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Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which ones to avoid. And if one looks closely, they often reveal more than intended about the film in question. In honor of this profound art, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, an examination of upcoming movie commercials: What they say, what they don’t say, and what they say on accident about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.
Today’s Entry:
The Frankenstein Theory (Dir. Andrew Weiner)
Introduction:
Once upon a time, a bunch of knuckleheads took some cameras and went out to Norway or somewhere equally cold and not-America in order to test a theory that Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein story was in fact not a story at all. Not only was Frankenstein’s Monster real, but he’s still alive today, stalking angrily through areas both cold and not-American.
And since this theory throws out Shelley’s book as fact (while keeping her creature), this film crew specifically sought out a manic ugly beast-monster thing rather than the loquacious, emotional superhuman found in the novel. That way when they kill it, no one has to feel bad.
Well, they all died. This is the footage they left behind. All the footage. So there are bound to be some boring parts. Mostly boring parts. But every once in a while something cool will happen. Offscreen.
The Set Up:
So a young and stupid film crew treks off into the unknown to find Frankenstein’s Monster (hereby knowingly referred to by the erroneous name, “Frankenstein,” because that’s what the movie thinks he’s called. They don’t even pronounce it correctly). The trailer doesn’t give us a very good idea of how many victims we’re talking about here. There are definitely two dudes and one lady, plus a badass tracker guy. So at least four future Frankenstein poops.
Their plan is simply to walk through the snow listening for Frankenstein shouts. But almost as soon as they get there, they start freaking out. They hear the monster’s shouts, just as they expected to, but now it scares them. They find his tracks. At one point, they find a bunch of Frankenstein vomit in the show. According to the trailer, each new discovery makes them cry and run around for thirty minutes.
The Problem:
If a picture is worth 1000 words, here are one thousand words on why this Frankenstein trip is doomed:
And here’s one word:
TROLLS
See, the whole Frankenstein theory is really stupid and lacks almost all sense. Why would a character birthed in a 19th Century novel exist in the real world? And even if he did, why would he still be alive, today? And why would he act so different than he does in the book? It’s asinine.
Trolls, however, are a whole different story. Everyone knows Trolls exist. Didn’t you see that movie about them?
By walking around in the snowy woods following gigantic footprints and weird echoing bellows, these morons are mistakenly tracking a bunch of Trolls instead Frankenstein. Like Frankenstein, however, Trolls like to eat people, especially young, stupid people. So they’re dead, either way. The difference is simply a matter of jumping out of an airplane instead of jumping off a flying carpet.
The Solution:
There really isn’t much of a solution. Everyone dies. That’s just how most found footage films roll. And while this might be sold as a horror film here in America, up in Troll country they’re going to watch this and laugh their asses off.
Maybe things could have been better for these poor kids had they hired a real Troll Hunter. But the tough guy we see them hanging out with in the trailer is no Troll Hunter. Drunk and full of jokes, he looks like he could handle of couple of these guys:
…but no Trolls. And certainly no Frankenstein.
The film’s big stinger is that the trolls take all the dead bodies (and their still running cameras) to a hidden castle where they are feasted upon by, you guessed it, the real Dracula.
In Summation:
The Frankenstein Theory looks like one of the more boring found footage films ever made. At least Grave Encounters can put some scary stuff in the preview. When a found footage film commercial offers you no real scares, it’s not trying to be coy. That means it has none to offer you in the actual film either. Watch this film’s prequel, Troll Hunter, instead.
